Chemical Addiction

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Lynn Bee

No, it’s not as interesting as the title implies. This is about dyeing your hair. Or, more specifically, how my hairdresser doesn’t understand how to do her job.

I went in to get my roots touched up. I had a super awesome dye job done in Seattle that was a combo of intense light and dark streaks and the roots were out of control – so I wandered into Chemically Addicted on Davie and asked them to “fix this”. The hairdresser proceeded to pile on mountain of foil containing blond highlights. In retrospect I should have been more specific and told them to put in highlights and lowlights to keep the same style. Unfortunately, she just loaded on the highlights – 3 hours and $250 later I look like a bleach blond prostitute. She also totally neglected to do the bottom of my hair – later claiming she thought I wanted a ombre look. First of all, I never uttered anything that resembled the word ombre – she was just being lazy. And she clearly doesn’t understand the concept that Ombre means darker on top. When I pointed it out she pouted saying she didn’t know I would be wearing my hair in a ponytail all the time. That’s not the point. And let me tell you – it is NOT my fucking decision to tie my hair up at work every damn day of my life. And thanks – because this looks exactly like something a professional grown up would do to their  hair.

Top half bright as the sun? Check! Bottom half darker than the dark side of the moon? Check! AWESOME!

Here’s what Ombre actually looks like. Quite different that the accidental reverse ombre she gave me, isn’t it?

 

My favorite part of getting my hair done is when she brought up the  Luka Magnotta case and said she has nightmares about it. I sorta mentioned my criminology degree and how the worst part was taking courses that focused on genocide. She told me she’d heard the term genocide before but was not sure what it meant. I realized the whole salon had fallen silent listening to our conversation and quickly muttered that it was when someone killed off a whole group of people. She nodded knowingly “like when a dad kills his family.”

ummmm “no, more like Hitler” .

“oh yeah, my boyfriend’s jewish”.

OK. Glad we got that cleared up. Lacey is adorable. But I sure would never recommend her. I really wanted to tell her that genocide is like barbicide but with people instead of germs.

My second favorite part of the whole ordeal was when Lacey stepped out for a moment and another hairdresser came over to see if I was all right – because he had never seen anyone with so many foils put on before.

Yeah, I survived, thanks.

I have gotten a lot of compliments though….sort of. One person said that I looked so good they weren’t sure it was really me. Another asked me if I got a sunburn because I look really young now. Is that a compliment? It was from a guy – so who knows what he was trying to say.

Next time I get my hair done, I’m just going to tell them to give me my regular dumb old mousey brown back.

Posted in tips | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bacchus at The Wedgewood

Posted on June 11, 2012 by Lynn Bee

I went to Bacchus for brunch. Bacchus is the restaurant at the lovely Wedgewood hotel downtown at Hornby and Robson …um. what can I say? The service is excellent. However, that excellence is not reflected in the food. I ordered a breakfast parfait ($9). Y’know the one: granola, yogurt, seasonal fruit. That was basically what I got – except the seasonal fruit was pineapple and watermelon. Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE tropical fruits. But not all fruit was meant to be eaten with yogurt. And by this I mean: IT WAS SO FREAKIN’ WEIRD! Those fruits should not be in a parfait! Strawberries, yes. blueberries, yes. blackberries, raspberries…the list of approved parfait fruit goes on and on. But I draw the line at watermelon….well actually, no. I ate the watermelon. What I couldn’t stomach was the basil. Who the hell thinks savory seasoning goes in a parfait?! And this was no accident. There was carefully chiffonaded basil tucked throughout the majority of the parfait. WORST PARFAI T EVERRRRRRRRRRR!

All my dining compainions seemed perfectly content with their eggs and pancakes so maybe order that instead. Or perhaps skip the whole thing. Who wants to pay $22 for a continental anyway? I guess I do – because I went back to Bacchus a second time. And I know you’re asking what kind of amazing continental breakfast costs $22? Apparently a croissant and coffee. Perhaps there was more – but they didn’t offer it and I didn’t demand it.

Thank you, Bacchus, for reaffirming my long standing opinion that hotel restaurants are the worst. It’s nice to be proven right.

You can look at the entire Bacchus menu here – and upon further review it seems that the parfait is also included in the continental breakfast. Thank god they didn’t try to feed it to me again. I would have thrown a fit.

However, on the way to the bathrooms there was this amazing painting. It made it all worthwhile…. almost.

————————————————————————

Perfect pairing:

Peter Tosh – Legalize it

You would have to be high to have enjoyed that parfait.

 

Posted in Food, Music, Restaurant Reviews | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Umbrella time

Posted on May 23, 2012 by Lynn Bee

Today, as per usual Vancouver style, it was raining. But this wasn’t regular old drizzle – it was practically a downpour that came outta nowhere. The kind of rain that makes every body lose what little bit of common sense they may have possessed in the first place. As I was browsing the the toy dinosaur selection at the dollar store, a man rushed in off the street demanding to be sold an umbrella. I always want to remind people they are 100% waterproof. But I refrained from making my usual unwelcome remark. This guy was totally ridiculous. First, he stated that he had never used one of “these things” before. Then, he inquired as to how it worked. Ummmmm, I’m pretty sure you are supposed to open it and hold it over your head. He also asked what would happen if it got windy. Well, I’m terribly sorry to break the news, sir, but in the event of wind,  that precious umbrella-user relationship you have so carefully cultivated will quickly devolve. Where did this guy come from that doesn’t have wind, rain, or umbrellas? The moon? I  laughed at him as he struggled to open his newly purchased umbrella and I exited the store into the abating rain.

This encounter reminded me of the amazing podcast I was listening to earlier in the day: Episode 9 of The Steve and John Power Hour with Steve and John. Where Steve pitched the idea of a community umbrella program. Because even though this is Vancouver no one ever seems to be prepared for the inevitable. The umbrella program would work like this: The city would invest in tons of mid-range quality umbrellas and the umbrellas would be available to everyone at every store, restaurant, bus stop, whatever. You just pick it up and drop it off at whatever umbrella stand around the city. I was thinking of how great an idea that is and how we really need it. But it would put crummy dollar stores out of business. How tragic. And anyway, we already  have a complimentary umbrella system. It works like this: you can go to any coffee shop and tell them you lost your umbrella. If you are pressed just say it is black. There will be a black umbrella in the lost and found that they will give you. Or, for an alternative complimentary umbrella sharing system:  you forget your umbrella at a store or restaurant and the next time it’s raining an employee of the store or restaurant steals the umbrella because they forgot to bring theirs. I have worked in many retail establishments and I have purchased exactly one umbrella in my whole life; however, I have owned several. I am currently in possession of two umbrellas. Neither of which I paid for. And neither of which I ever remember to use. I just sigh and pull my hood up. Luckily, I am water-proof.

THE POINT IS:I bought this rad dinosaur at the dollar store. He is a Ceratosaurus named Teal. Score!

You can get caught up on all of The Steve and John Power Hour with Steve and John podcasts on i-tunes. Amazingly good if you happen to be in the 28-33 year old age range.

Posted in tips, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

First Aid

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Lynn Bee

Today I re-did my emergency first aid. Glad to have it – hope I never have to use it. The course material was basically the same as when I took the class two years ago — except AED training has been added. I wonder what they took out of the curriculum to make room for the AED training? Hopefully nothing too important.

Amazing super facts about today’s first aid class:

–If you show up late you will be paired up with the weirdo with a four leaf clover face tattoo. As cool as that may seem….she was pretty strange. This became clearer when I realized there were several people from her workplace also attending – but they all refused to talk to her, sit near her, or join her for lunch. I sat with Cloverface for the whole day. It was pretty awkward to work with someone for 8 hours while trying to avoid all semblance of quaint chit chat, common ground, feigned interest, or eye contact. I have never talked less in my entire life.

–At the begining of the course we all had to sign an enrollment contract stating that we would not smoke while administering first aid to sick or injured co-workers. Good to be clear about stuff like that. I can’t remember what any of the rest of contract said. I was so hung up on that first point…I just couldn’t go on.

–Our instructor decided to tell us a little about herself by mentioning that she was involved in the tourism industry and had travelled extensively through THE EUROPE. Please also take note that the instructor’s glasses case reads I heart cats and features 6 different cat head images. Not so much cute as it was disturbing to see all those disembodied cat heads.

–Our instructor was featured in several of the videos shown. In the videos she was several years younger; however, she was wearing the exact same shirt. Does she only own one shirt? Does she keep buying the same drab shirt? Was it just a coincidence? My eyes just kept flicking back and forth between the screen and her. What what what what what the heck? How did she expect us to pay attention to what the videos were actually about?

–The instructor also likes to yell at people executing practical exercises incorrectly. She points out the errors to the entire class and makes it clear by hollering: That way of doing things went out with go-go dancing!

I swear I paid attention and learned stuff. 2 vents per 30 compressions. Yeah, yeah, I got it. I got the proof, too. Bring me your injuries and stop doubting my sweet skills.

Longest day ever. Hopefully 3 years from now the course will be stocked with slightly less distracting humans.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

This is Cheyenne

Posted on April 20, 2012 by Lynn Bee

This is Cheyenne.

She is old, she is sweet, she will happily (albeit slowly) hobble over to you on her arthritic legs for a belly rub. During business hours she hangs out front of her owner’s hardware shop. The shop is located on Bidwell – a very quiet sidestreet just around the corner from Robson. Most everyone in the west end is familiar with the sight of Cheyenne laying on the sidewalk out front.

Recently, her owner, Bruce, was given a $250 ticket for Cheyenne being off leash. And when she was caught being off-leash, she was doing her favorite thing: dozing on the sidewalk near the front door of the hardware store.

Really? what kind of bullshit is that? Cheyenne is the least threatening dog of all time. Unless you are scared of sweetness. Bruce was also told that Chyenne needs to be on a leash at all times – even when she is inside the store. Now that doesn’t even make sense. The city is just being silly. Don’t get me wrong – I generally support rules and laws, when they make sense. But the city could have enforced almost any bylaw in any other way and it would have been more meaningful than this. Who cares if Cheyenne is on a leash? Who is this protecting? What has changed? Well, the City of Vancouver will soon be $250 richer, Cheyenne is sad to be tied up all the time, and Bruce is in a bit of a tight spot. $250 is a lot to a small business owner.

Look how sad she was when she first had to be leashed up. Sorry old girl – you got sentenced to doggie house arrest.

I told Bruce that his predicament is one of the stupidest things I had ever heard. And that I would have a fundraiser to help him pay the fine. Bruce is a sweet guy and he was genuinely touched that I was trying to help. I told him not to get his hopes up because I might only get like $3. He was happy all the same, Cheyenne was happy too – but probably because she knows when I come by she will get a milkbone out of it.

If anyone feels like helping out – drop me a line. If we all pitch in a buck or two – Bruce will have his dumb ticket paid in no time.

Posted in animals | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Picnic

Posted on April 15, 2012 by Lynn Bee

Yep – the  Gin and Tonic is a classic. But I’ve always been a fan of putting a new spin on the traditional. So here’s how you take the regular old drink everyone knows about but no cares about and you turn it into a summer favorite. That is assuming we will be getting a summer this year…..

Take your freaking Gin and Tonic and add aloe. Yep – ALOE. That spiky plant you rub onto cuts and burns. It doesn’t just go on your outsides – it’s also nice on your insides. But don’t try to use the plant. Go out and buy aloe juice. You are making a drink, right? Then use small amounts of different drinks to make it.

I just buy a small bottle – because it’s only a couple bucks and I just use a little bit to make these drinks. Some people don’t like aloe juice because it has floaty things in it. Get over that, right now. It’s nice to have a little plant matter to give your drink texture – the contrast give the drink a nice visual effect. You want to impress your guests, don’t you? You can easily do it with a visually intriguing beverage. Especially if your guests are all lame blowhards with nothing interesting of their own to talk about.

Toss in a handful of deliciously ripe blueberries. Organic ones, of course. It’s nice to have a snack conveniently located inside your drink and they will add to the flavor and the whole visual thing we are creating. Some of the blueberries will float, some won’t. It’s positively an adventure in drinking!

And as always, cut the sugar with some sparkling water. Perfect!

I sometimes refer to this drink as the Picnic. Light, summery, carefree, PICNIC. But I’m not one of those pretentious douche bags who creates a signature drink and demands everyone calls it by some dumb name. You can call it it whatever you want. Sometimes I just refer to it as a Gin and Tonic – ’cause that’s mostly what it is.

2 oz gin

1 part tonic

1 part sparkling water

2 oz aloe juice

splash of cassis (black currant juice)

add fresh blueberries

pour over ice

stir and serve

Want more recipes and insight? YOU GOT IT!

the Caesar

My classic

And of course – successful drinking

Posted in drink, recipes, tips | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The perfect cocktail

Posted on April 10, 2012 by Lynn Bee

Aloha, Baby!

After the moderate success of ten tip for successful drinking I have decided to add a follow up of how to make the perfect cocktail. This drink is a good way to get your party on while still fitting in all that water you’re supposed to be guzzling. It is a never miss. Everyone loves this drink: Boys, girls, parents, new drinkers, seasoned drinkers, everyone. Guys are usually skeptical at first because they can’t taste the alcohol in them – but they quickly begin to feel the truth. As my mom always warned me: beware of mixed drinks because they don’t taste like there is alcohol in them. Thanks, Mom.

Here’s the stuff you need to make the fun happen:

1.5 oz Vodka

1 oz Cointreau

100 ml Orange juice

100 ml Soda water

50 ml Grapefruit juice

Stir it up

Add ice to make it cold and a straw to make it fun

This drink is very changeable. If you’re not hip on sweet drinks throw in a bit of lemon to balance out the juices. And feel free to substitute your favorite types of juice or whatever you happen to have on hand. Pineapple, lychee, lemonade, peach, mango, aloe, cassis, cranberry, raspberry – any of these would be great! I find it’s best to stick with the OJ and the second juice can be whatever….uh, but not apple, carrot, or tomato. That would be gross. Lime might not work out either….

VODKA: There isn’t really a point in splurging on some fancy type if you’re just gonna cover it with juice but that doesn’t mean you can get away with buying total garbage to save a buck, either.  Smirnoff, Stolichnaya, or Absolute will be fine.

COINTREAU: It’s just like Grand Marnier – an orange liquer that is 40% and made in France. I buy Cointreau because it is virtually identical to GM but more affordable. The even cheaper version is Triple Sec which is fine – but it’s 35% and made in Quebec. yeeeech! I know right about now you’re thinking you can make this without bothering to buy the Cointreau. NO, DUMBO! Then you’re basically just settling for a Screwdriver. Don’t be a baby, just buy the orange liqueur – it will last you a long time. You can also add it to hot tea. Yum!

ORANGE JUICE: ummmmm it is what it is. I go with frozen – then I always have it on hand and it’s cheap.

SODA WATER: Seltzer, club soda, fizzy water, sparkling water, mineral water… whatever you call it – it’s awesome. Carbonated water with sodium. I buy it by the case. It’s a good way to get a lot of water into your mixed drinks without ruining them. Also a good way to cut calories in sugary drinks and to make your drink easier to drink. Easier drinking = faster drinking. So be careful!

GRAPEFRUIT JUICE: I like pink grapefruit juice because it’s prettier than other juices. Plus, it makes my drink feel more tropical.

If you are a millionaire you can also add in slices of for real fruit – like lemon, lime, orange, grapefruit. And by slices, I mean wedges…..C’mon! You know what drinks are supposed to look like.

Yeah. That’s the one.

However; if your drink looks like this:

Then you probably didn’t follow my instructions at all. Throw that drink away and start over.

If you wanna get super drunk, fall down and smash your face to smithereens then add in an extra shot of vodka and one or two of peach schnapps. But I don’t really recommend that.

If you think this is super great and want more amazing drink recipes – just harass me into writing more recipe blogs – ’cause I got a whole brain full of delicious ways to get drunk. But I already wrote you one about Caesars. You can find it here.

Happy drinking!

 

Posted in drink, recipes, tips | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Winning isn’t everything

Posted on April 2, 2012 by Lynn Bee

I grew up in the dust-blown prairies, surrounded by waves of grain, but dreaming of the waves of the Pacific. The ocean has always held a romantic mystery for me. I imagined mermaids, Poseidon, and exciting underwater adventures. When I moved to Vancouver to be near the ocean, suddenly the water was no longer a mystical setting for pirate battles and tales of Atlantis but where I learned to surf and sail. It was whale-watching and snorkeling trips, the mighty Pacific had become my backyard. I fell in love with it completely.

I spent thirty days at the beach—a month straight—looking for inspiration for a story, but what I found was a case of the blues. Every day I saw the beach covered in garbage, and trash rolling around in the whitewash. It was depressing to know that, once high tide came in, all that abandoned junk would be washed into the ocean. A city’s supply of used coffee cups and discarded candy wrappers do not belong in the ocean, and it broke my heart to see it.

I shook off my depression, knowing that getting sad was not useful. I took responsibility and decided to do something about it. I increased my support of ocean-minded environmental groups. I learned about ocean conservation. Knowing  that my notion that ‘someone has to do something about this’ was not enough, I accepted that ‘someone’ was me. It was up to me to do something for my ocean, my community, and myself. Now, several days a week, you can find me and my dog down at the beach, picking up trash along the shoreline and talking to interested passers-by about the difference they can make by doing their small part to help keep our oceans clean.

—

I’m not trying to be all preachy. But yeah – I am sick of pulling your old rollerblades/batteries/potted plants out of the ocean. Stop ditching all your old junk there. Or else put a rail on your boat so everything stops tipping off the sides.

Anyway – the above is something I wrote a while ago for a contest. I did NOT win said contest. But thanks anyway to the 136 people who wasted their time voting for me. I love entering contests and I refuse to learn my lesson no matter how many times I lose, have lost, will lose. No, I did not end up on the television show Wipeout!, I certainly wasn’t selected to be a part of that volunteer program in Brazil, nor did I win the sailing trip to the Great Bear Rainforest. Le sigh. No matter. I’m sure there will be another contest to enter sooner or later. I will gleefully enter knowing full well I will lose that one too. I only sort of care – I mean, of course I want to win all these contests, trips, and adventures. But I like the excitement of knowing I might win. My life might get exciting. But it’s my life…and I don’t ever really win at it. I just like thinking that perhaps one day I might.

Man, I am such a sucker for stuff like this….

Posted in tips | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

SHARKS!

Posted on March 31, 2012 by Lynn Bee
I love sharks. They are one of my 8 favorite animals. How exactly this came about I don’t know. But that does not change the fact that they are totally rad and totally not delicious. If sharks were meant for eating we wouldn’t have to flavor shark fin soup with pork to make it passable. What’s the point of eating shark, anyway? We don’t get magical anti-cancer powers from eating them. Thanks for that one, pseudoscience. Sharks are not immune to cancer and they do not have super powers we can ingest. Sharks are a crucial part of the oceanic ecological balance they need to be out there eating to keep our oceans clean and healthy. Sharks work like a filter; they clear the ocean of all the dead and dying animals that we need removed from our water to keep it pristine. They are not some cold, cruel, killer, eating machine – they would probably spit you out if they accidentally bit you because you do not taste like a delicious half dead fish. In fact, you are probably really dirty and extra disgusting tasting.
Last time I went to Hawaii I swam with sharks (though not really, because I was inside a cage and they were outside of the cage). I took a boat from Haleiwa out a couple miles to water that was 500 hundred feet deep and waited. When the sharks started to swim up to the boat my stomach dropped and I thought that this was THE STUPIDEST decision I had ever made. Ever. And I’m me – I make terrible decisions all the time, non-stop. But this was the worst. Who wants to get eaten by tripping and falling off a boat into waters that are obviously shark infested? What a lame sounding obituary that would have been. I hung onto the rail – and things worked out pretty well. It’s okay if your favorite animal scares the bejesus out of you a little sometimes, we’re still friends.
Once I got into the water it was totally cool and the sharks didn’t even get all mad and toothy. They just swam around being big fish. I never once felt afraid while I was in the cage. Partially because sharks are nice and calm animals and partially because the only sharks that showed up were galapagos, reef, and sandbars. Next time I would like to do a free swim with sharks….sometime….maybe…sorta….Anyone interested?
Here’s a video of my shark dive.
Free hugs and true love to anyone that can name my other 7 fav animals.
AND if you wanna learn more about sharks and how awesome they are check out my friends at Shark Truth
Posted in animals | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

How to be selfish

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Lynn Bee

This is not a bad thing. Maybe you are wasting your life away doing favors for everyone and you are feeling tired and used up. That’s not good for you. You don’t want your niceness to be the reason you become a doormat or an alcoholic. That’s not good for anyone. Here are some simple tips, steps, and reminders you can use to put yourself FIRST!

The number one thing you need to remember is: you’re fucking awesome. Of course everyone wants a piece of you. Your face could cash cheques and you have a million other rad qualities that make you better than everyone else. Everyone wants to spend time with you because they want to be more like you. Fuck that noise. No one can be as good as you – they have no right to paw away at your time and brain just to try to make themselves better. You are number one and only you can stay that way by putting yourself first.

No one should need you more than you need them. No way. If they do then they suck and have nothing to offer you. You are wasting your time with losers if you hang out with someone because you feel bad for them.  Needy people are vampires and they will suck your awesomeness away.

But what about poor people and social losers? What do they have that’s rad for you? Let’s take your new job for example: saving starving orphans in S. Africa/working at the food bank/building a well for the villagers. They need you to stay alive – but you need them to have a job and a kickass resume that you can show off to other awesome people later. That will impress people and one day you will make fat cash from it. It’s a total WIN-WIN situation.

When someone wants to spend time with you or talk to you about their problems or needs your help. You have to ask yourself one question: Is there something better I could be doing instead? The answer is yeah, probably. You should be out doing something fun for you. You deserve fun. And who wants to listen to someone’s depressing problems? You are too sensitive for that kind of sad shit. If you stop listening to people feel sad all the time then you won’t realize how much better your life is and then you’ll stop feeling sorry for everyone. You just have to prioritize on focusing on yourself and how great your life is.

It’s important to remember you have a good reason for not doing everything everyone wants you to. Maybe you have to work, or are tired, or made other plans, or something better came up, or maybe you just don’t fucking feel like it. All those reasons are good. More than good. They are impeccably flawless. You just need to explain it in a way they can understand. It helps if you say something like I HAD to…., or I COULDN’T….., there was NO WAY…., don’t let them make you feel guilty. You are busy and important and your time is valuable. Maybe if they are willing to pay you a billion dollars for your time things coulda been different. But they probably weren’t going to pay you at all. Why are they so selfish?

Doing stuff for (and with) other people all the time makes them lazy and they will never learn to do it without your help. You are making people worse by making them dependent on you for shit they should know how to do on their own. Next time tell your neighbor to fix her own computer and do her own taxes. She should already know how to do that shit if she’s claiming to be a grown up. If you are doing stuff for people like helping them move or making them dinner or fixing their bike they should be paying you. People get paid a shit ton of cash for doing work like that. Why should you do it for free? You can always use money, right?

Here is the important shit. If you spend less time feeling guilty you will have more time to:

wear fancy outfits

get drunk

go on vacations

sex up on sexy dudes/ladies

talk on the phone

get your hair did

have naps

go tanning

buy stuff from the internet

watch movies

think about yourself

Remember this is what you need to do to succeed:

1- Think of yourself. Don’t forget you are better than everyone else.

2- Ask ‘what’s in it for me?’

3- Have more fun

4- Make more cash

5- Avoid depressing shit

6- Think up some solid excuses

7-Keep being awesome

—

Okay – I know I said I would put in clip art. But it takes too long. And I realized the sooner I was done writing this for you I could drink hot chocolate. And hot chocolate is awesome so I cut this short by leaving out the pictures. But it’s okay because you are smart and can understand how to read without visual aids.

See I don’t feel guilty about not doing what I promised because I can explain it away. Pictures would have been demeaning to your smartness. And now I get to have hot chocolate. It’s a win-win.

And that is how I got an A in ethics class. ‘Cause I can explain it all away. SUPER RAD!

 

Posted in self help, tips | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments