Another birthday?!

Seems I wrote this last year….and forgot to post it.
But since my birthday is just a few days away, I think it still applies.
———-
What I am assuming is my birthday present from my brother arrived today. My brother is awesome and wins at this whole birthday thing. It’s hard to plan mailing a present in such a timely manner.
Now, I am sitting here looking at the package and wondering if I should open it. It’s probably the only present I’m going to get; so I should save it until my actual birthday. But then maybe there’s no point in waiting – since it seems to be a book. And I’m pretty certain it’s the book I asked him for. Why bother to wait to open it if it’s not a surprise anyway?
I guess I could get another present. I did get a birthday postcard from my dentist – so that was nice. And, at the time, unexpected. However, now that I think about it more, I’m pretty sure they sent me the EXACT same postcard last year. Gawd. Dentists are so predictably boring.
For my birthday present to myself I finally bought Eminem’s Recovery. It came out like 4 years ago so maybe I’m not as on top of the whole music thing as I used to be. I sure don’t think it’s as good as everyone was saying. Probably because I never had all my standards shattered by listening to Relapse. Why would I listen to Relapse when it’s supposed to be a terrible album? It’s the only Em album I don’t own. I keep thinking he can get back to the greatness of Slim Shady and Marshall Mathers. Well, I guess no one can take over production from Dre and expect us to think it will be as good. Also, someone should really tell Em he can’t sing.
GET BACK TO THE POINT.
I don’t really have one. I’m going to treat myself to birthday tacos from Tacofino. That is going to turn out great. They make the sickest tuna tacos. Tuna tataki, wakame, mango salsa, mmmmm…..perfection!
If you don’t believe me, just read this testimonial…that I wrote.
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Learn your body!

Birth Control. Let’s face it. We’re pretty into it. Nobody wants to accidentally have a baby. Especially if they can’t afford it, or are 18, or whatever the situation might be.

Hey fellas! This is for you too. How may times have you asked a girl to go on Birth Control? Did you really know what you were asking? The last time a guy asked me to go on it….I flat out refused. Because I’m not gonna give myself a damn stroke. Nor am I going to spend hundreds of dollars, drastically change my hormonal balance, or undergo a painful implant. Plus, I am super scared of the possible side effects associated with almost everything.

There are so many different types of contraceptives; so what is the best way to do it? That depends on your situation. Let’s take a quick look at different methods and then maybe you’ll understand why I don’t wanna go with any of them.

The Pill – Hefty doses of extra estrogen and progestin hormones which need to be taken everyday at the same time. No forgetting! The hormones work by stopping your body from releasing an egg. The pill also increases your chances of stokes and bloodclots. Particularly in smokers (even the occasional smoker) over 35. It also causes weight gain in lots of girls, so it’s not recommended if you have a weight problem. And if you’re prone to infections (like I am) keep in mind that antibiotics reduce the effectiveness of the pill – so you would have to use a second form of birth control during that time. ALSO, some women get really sensitive to too much estrogen – this may cause extra crying.

BOOOOOO!

The IUD – aka Intrauterine Devices. Sounds fun already, doesn’t it? Okay. I have many friends with IUDs and they love them, plus, they last for over 5 years. However, I am scared of them because: they hurt to have inserted and removed, if you haven’t had children before they’re implanted – you may not be able to have children afterwards, they may increase your flow and cramping, they cost several hundred dollars, AND the number one reason I don’t want an IUD is because while I was living in the US there were nonstop commercials on TV about suing Meridian because sometimes the IUD can detach and perforate your uterus or cervix.

NO, THANK YOU!

The Shot – A hormone injection that works like the pill – perfect for the forgetful lady – as you only need to be injected once every every 3 months. Think about it, enough hormones to last your body three months – that is one helluva potent dose. That cannot be good for the body. The shot causes a loss of bone density so it shouldn’t be used for more that 2 years. Bone density will return after a while – but that still means it’s no good for older ladies or people that are concerned about osteoporosis.

I DON’T WANT MY BONES TO CRUMBLE.

The Sponge– Needs to be inserted before having sex (how romantic). Then you leave it in for 6 hours afterwards. However, people that are sensitive or allergic to spermicide may not be interested in inserting nonoxynol-9. Also the CDC does not recommend spermicide use since it is an irritant and there are studies showing spermicide actually increase the risk the HIV and UTIs.

NEXT!

Diaphragm– Also used with spermicide and works almost exactly the same way as the sponge. Diaphragms always make me think of the 1989 movie Parenthood and how Susan compromises her diaphragm just so she can get pregnant with Rick Moranis’ baby. Ew. Most methods of birth control rely way too heavily on the assumption that both parties are sane, honest, and not wanting an “accidental” pregnancy.

The Patch – Works like the Pill to release hormones into the bloodstream. Blood clots are a huge risk factor.

The Ring – Again, another method of a foreign object inserted that releases tons of hormones. Which works like the Pill, the Shot, or the Patch and brings with it the same terrible hormonal imbalances that mess up your insides for weeks, months, years. And, again, that “pesky” risk of clots.

Condoms – I am all for condoms. I mean, they basically keep you for getting a baby or a weird disease. But, dudes hate condoms. And birth control can’t just be one person’s responsibility. It should be shared. So in this case – the burden is mostly placed on the guy. And that’s ain’t fair. Plus, dudes complain about condoms all the time. And anyway, some people are allergic.  AND they rip. Even when used properly a condom is only effective 97% of the time. Hell, that doesn’t even take into account all those drunk, improper times!

Sterilization – A surgical method that blocks part of the reproductive system. Sterilization is a little extreme for most of us; and it’s really hard to reverse. The surgery for a woman is pretty serious. However, for a dude a vasectomy is quick, non-invasive, and may be covered by your provincial health plan. I think the majority of people should be sterilized….but that decision is not really up to me…..yet.

Plan B – aka the morning after pill. It’s called Plan B for a reason. It should not be used as a primary form of birth control. It should mainly be used an emergency back up plan for when your condom breaks. And that junk is gonna make you sick! Remember, if you barf within an hour of taking it – you’ll probably have to take a second does to ensure the medication is absorbed into your system. Fun!

The Rhythm Method – This is a calendar based contraceptive approach about learning your cycle. You learn when ovulation is likely to occur and schedule your sex life accordingly. It’s the method where you take your temperature. But it’s mainly renounced due its high failure rate. The high failure is mainly because this method assumes that all women have a postovulatory phase which is 12-16 days. But many women have shorter or longer cycles occasionally; and this method predicts the length of future cycles based on the past cycles. CYCLES CHANGE, idiots! This can be due to any number of factors, stress, illness, medication, etc. Don’t rely on this!

The Billings Method – Similar to the rhythm method – but no uselessness of taking your temperature. No accidental pregnancies either. I really like the Billings method. So much in fact, that I bought a book devoted entirely to learning more about it. You check you mucus and record the changes so you know when you are fertile or infertile. When you follow the method closely it is very successful. It encourages both partners to take an interest in knowing how the body is operating. You learn when you are ovulating – which makes it a good method for people wanting to get pregnant and for those trying to avoid a pregnancy.

You can learn more about the Billings Method from this great article and  blog my boss wrote. And also by reading this very informative book that I bought. Yay Billings method! The least invasive method of controlling fertility everrrrrrr!

Plus, it’s good to learn some basics about how your body works. Take control of your body, dammit! Does anyone else think it’s totally gross to hear about people giving birth without ever knowing they were pregnant in the first place? How the heck does that even happen?

The Best Methods:

#1 – Hearing a child screech.

God.

That sound makes my reproductive system freeze every time.

#2 – Being Gay

That usually keeps ya from getting too pregnant.

—-

Hope this read was as informative as it was gross.

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Aches and pains

Does your back hurt? Shoulder hurt? Knee hurt? Check, check, double check.

Now that you’ve gotten a little older, you’ve come to the realization that: running hurts, biking hurts…. everything hurts. And sadness is yours. Because painkillers don’t do nothing no more. And sometimes it hurts so bad you start wishing for a freaking knee transplant already!

What do I do when those pesky aches start throbbing? I can’t afford a massage every day. And I’m not on the waiting list for any bionic upgrades just yet.  So, I use a topical spray (like Sierrasil Pain Relief Topical Spray, or AromaBreeze Muscle Mist). But, at $25 a pop, those things can get expensive after a while.

So, I decided to start making my own with almost identical ingredients. My topical ointment is hella amazing for temporary relief of sore muscle pain. Wanna know the secret to soothe and relax those tired ol’ muscles?

Mix together the following essential oils:

3 parts peppermint

2 parts eucalyptus

1 part rosemary

1 part camphor

1 part clove (optional)

1 part jojoba (optional)

Mix it up and dilute it with some water – then spritz it on, or rub it in, or soak in it. Sure you’ll feel like an eighty year old when you’re reeking like menthol, BUT after a few minutes the area to which you applied the ointment will start to cool and then it gets all numb and tingly. IT’S THE BEST!

When my back hurts – I put a few drops of each oil in my bath water. I spritz it on my knee when it gets sore and crunchy – spraying it on works especially well right after the shower. Ohhhh yeah! Soothing minty relief.

Where can you get these oils? I dunno, somewhere regular… like Whole Foods or an aromatherapy store, or a spa. Each oil costs under $10 for 4 oz and it will last you for months. Save yourself some money and ease the pain by whipping up this home remedy (AKA a miracle in a bottle).

2013-2-28-essentialoilspicture

Isn’t getting older great?

Le sigh.

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Try something new!

When a new opportunity arises, give it a try! Come on! What have you got to lose?

Now this doesn’t have to be some big, scary, life changing thing. I’m not suggesting you go skydiving or have a kid or something crazy. I’m simply saying try something a lil different than usual. Jazz things up!

Here’s an easy example:

The other day, when I was at the gas station, I noticed there is a Sour Patch Kids Popsicle. And I thought, pffft! What the hell? It seems like a terrible idea. Sour popsicles? There is no way that can be good!

The following day, back at the gas station, and the attendant points out randomly that the Sour Patch Kids Popsicles are on sale for one dollar. Now, is this some sort of sign? It must be, because:

1- you can’t get anything for a dollar.

2- what are the chances that these bizarro deserts would be the promotional upsell?

3- I do love Sour Patch Kids and popsicles.

I decide there might be something to this; so I grab one. Because, even if it’s gross, I’m intrigued… and it’s just a dollar. My friends share my disbelief that the aforementioned popsicle could be good and no one is willing to try it except for me.

I unwrap the popsicle and….are you kidding? It looks hilariously terrible!

IMG_2886 - Version 2

I am kinda scared to try it. But if it sucks I can just throw it away, right?

I gingery bite into it…and it is so freaking good! Tart and sweet and smooth and deeeelicious! We have popsicle success!

So there you have it! Trying something new pays off. You just gotta watch for the signs and jump on new opportunities when they arise. Take a class, make a friend, try a new popsicle!

Except now I want a thousand of these tasty gas station popsicles. Sadly, I expect they will be discontinuing the Sour Patch Popsicle. I mean, who else could possibly be buying it besides me? Maybe the occasional savvy vegan who needs a tasty iced treat.

…But maybe if I buy enough of them, they keep making them. Ohhhhhh, I’m gonna be so fat.

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Oilin’ ma face

Ever gotten frustrated because your skin looks like hell (even though you’re in your thirties)? I mean what the heck? Wasn’t problem skin supposed to plague us from the ages of 13-18 and then we were supposed to be rewarded with smooth supermodel skin for the rest of lives, right? ‘Cause that’s the deal I signed up for. Guess I didn’t exactly take everything into account…..like the fact that I have the most sensitive skin on planet earth.

Have you ever tried to fix your oily/dry/flakey/shiny/blemished skin? Sure, I bet you’ve tried the following: Fancy expensive moisturizers for rich people, Oil-free washes, Exfoliating scrubs, Facials, Microdermabrasion, Peels, Mud baths, No makeup, Mineral makeup, Organic makeup, Steaming, Cooling, Vitamin E, Fish oil, Specialty cleansers, Masks…..and now you are sick of trying stuff. You don’t really believe anything will help you at this point. Yet, somehow, you are still willing to try anything.

Here is the problem for many of us: We scrub and strip that oil right outta our faces. And each time your face skin cries: “OH NO! SOMEONE STOLE ALL MY PRECIOUS OIL!” and then your darn face makes extra oil to compensate. It’s a vicious cycle.

What’s the solution? Well, my lovely friends told me about an oil cleansing method. Where you rub tons of oil all over your face.  For serious. You are supposed to add oil, 0n purpose.

Supposedly massaging your face with oil and then steaming will help get the hardened impurities out of your pores without your face freaking out. Plus, the oil treatment will make your skin all soft and smooth. Sounds just about crazy enough to work, doesn’t it?

Ready? OK!

First you should buy castor oil. It’s like $5 at the drug store in the digestion section. But the oil can be free if your roommate is awesome enough to buy it for you. Then you should find out if you actually own washcloths. I don’t…..so you can either buy some (boooo!) or cut up an old towel. Don’t use something fancy ’cause it’s gonna get all oily and gross!

DIY washcloths!

Now that we’ve achieved success with our awesome DIY washcloths. It’s time for the oil.

Now oil up yer face good. Massage that junk into your face, wipe it all over. You don’t need to wash your face first because the oil will remove everything – makeup, dirt, sweat, whatever. Castor oil is super thick – so you probably only need a little bit. Plus you don’t wanna spill that stuff all over the place! So be careful, would ya?

Either you can boil water to soak your washcloth in – or and put a wet cloth in the microwave. You want it hot – but not so hot you burn your face off. The cloth will cool down super fast so don’t go thinking you can play a quick game of Candy Crush Saga while you wait; ’cause the cloth will be cold by the time you die.

Put the hot steamy washcloth onto your face until it cools. You should probably re-heat and re-apply the hot washcloth a couple times to really steam up your face.

Now, wipe all the oil off your face.

Did it work?! Is all the grossness cleared out of your pores? Is your skin ultra soft? Do you finally look like a supermodel? GOOD! You deserve to look fancy.

Oh – if the castor oil is too strong, or drying, or whatever you can try an oil blend. Like half castor – half grapeseed, or half sunflower seed, or something less intense than straight up castor.

The end.

Love, Lynn!

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Let’s do this!

What’s up, Team?!

I’m stoked because this year I have decided to again support the SPCA by walking the Paws for a Cause walk! Whoooot!

I missed the walk last year and I was really disappointed. But I am going to make up for it this year!

Maybe you know me a little and know that I love animals the most. More than anything. Ever.

The SPCA (Society for the prevention of cruelty to animals) is a not-for-profit organization reliant on the support of the community; for they receive zero government funding. Founded in 1898, the BC SPCA now has 36 branches working to protect domestic, farm, and wild animals throughout BC. Last year the BC SPCA provides emergency medical care and sheltering for 29,000 animals. The organization also works to provide services which include: cruelty investigation, adoption, rescue, treatment, wildlife rehabilitation, and education.

And some of you know Paschal – Carly and Mike’s most adorable dog! He is endless joy in the form of a wiggly little puppy. He will be walking with me this year. Since he is only 7 months old – it is his first time volunteering. Here is Paschal blissfully lazing around on the couch. Little does he know about the grueling walk ahead! Carly tells me he’s been training for the walk and really getting that fuzzy little butt in gear!

paschal

If any of y’all feel like helping out, or donating, or walking, or volunteering or anything else – hit me up. I got all the info and hook ups!

ALSO you can donate online to my page here – and you can use a hilarious fake name. That is totally approved! In the past I have had donations from Michael Jackson, Macho Man Randy Savage, and even Helen Mirren. Impressive, I know!

If you would prefer to donate by cheque – You can make it out to the BC SPCA. I will turn in any cheques and cash donations on walk day (Spetember 8th).

Any donation over $20 will get a tax receipt.

Any donation over zero will get my eternal gratitude.

In 2010 I was one of the top ten fundraisers in Vancouver! And in 2011 I raised even more money. Now – when it’s for a good cause I get really competitive. So I am looking forward to destroying my old records! I already have beaten 2012 me by registering. Last year Lynn sure sucked!

September 8th, I only have 52 more days to make a new record. The countdown is on!

LET’S DO THIS!

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The things I ask myself: Time

There are questions that come up in regular old everyday conversation that make you think. And I’m not exactly talking about spiritual meaning of life stuff or anything. But just things I can’t decide on, I keep coming back to them. Sometime over and over again for years. Because I can be so indecisive these questions absolutely torture me.

Stuff like:

What is my favourite time of day?

Other people have a time of time of day they love. Why shouldn’t I? My mom is nuts for the time just after sunset when everything in the world is shrouded in shades of blue and black. I wrestled with this question frequently and at great length. I like lots of times of day.

When I worked nights I loved sunrise in the summertime

The dawn is magnificent on this day. Every last star has been cleared from the pastel sky. It transforms so slowly that I must be patient.

The smoky mauve turns to a dusty rose; then a soft yellow and finally the lightest blue a mortal’s naked eye could perceive.

It all stretches from one horizon spanning over the parks and buildings through the cloudless firmament to the murky grey opaque still hanging over the peaks in the west. The sleepers in the foothills are still shrouded in darkness while the streetlights continue to twinkle overhead.

It is going to be another stunning day; mid-June is seldom filled with days that are anything but.

I shiver with the expectation that comes with meeting the new day.

My nostrils flair. The air is fresh and tranquil with a sleepy smell reminiscent of cross country car trips of countless summers past.

A soft breeze blows my hair about my face; disturbing birds’ feathers and wind chimes alike.

The train cutting through the downtown core pierces the silence with its unmistakable whistle. And the early morning sunrise slumber of the city is changed.

The wonder of life is fresh and alive with promise. It is an unspoiled trophy that I will once again be forsaking for a few hours of much needed sleep.

I say my goodbyes to the new summer day and trudge back inside.

However, I no longer enjoy sunrise. If anything, I notice it’s getting light out and get angry that I stayed up too late. Again. And I certainly wouldn’t consider myself a morning person. Those perky, chipper, early morning types really weird me out.

Sunset also seems like a popular choice for a fav time of day

Tonight the southern part of the sky is filling with thick grey clouds heavy with rain that is pulling them downwards in thin veins. The sky towards the west is streaked with a breathtaking mixture of violet, greys, azure, and golds. Beyond that lies the silhouette of the mountains barely discernable through a misty blue fog. An inevitable sigh escapes my lips; the coast I love so dearly lies just beyond that very range.

A soft breeze blows up from six stories down. It brings with it a mixture of smells from the hot summer’s day. Mainly the bitter odor of a garbage and dust fusion. A man once told me that a city is the equivalent to an assault on the senses; that has never rung more true then at this moment.

The din of traffic is drowning out all the other sounds. Even the VIA rail train clanking its way through downtown along the railroad tracks is overpowered by roaring motorcycles and the rumbling of buses.

Twilight. The birds have gone to roost; therefore, the insects are out in full force attacking every inch of exposed flesh like an undefeatable winged army.

The last gleaming of light is reflected off every window as the city is transformed into a mirrored masterpiece of a metropolis.

The lush green parks slowly fade into shadowed pools of darkness.

Another day draws to its close as the city blazes to life with artificial light.

However, sunset is a cliche for lame romantics and anyway once the sun goes down it gets all chilly…..so NO DICE, sunset! You’re out!

Every day is so different it’s hard to pick. Is it a week day? Is it winter? Is it a day off? How can one single time of day be a favourite?

I do like the mid-afternoon. Sunny and warm still hours of daylight and plenty of time to still be productive if you’ve wasted most of the day watching tv, or reading the internet, or perhaps you’ve  lounged around in bed until past noon.

Mid-afternoon could be a contender. But is that an actual time of day? And anyway, everything I just described is for days off. Mid-afternoon on a workday drags by painfully slowly. And doesn’t the wind kick up in mid-afternoon? That’s also when the rain rolls in. Hmmmmmm, maybe mid afternoon isn’t always so great, after all.

What about nighttime….I do love the nightlife, I love to boogie.

Night has fallen. The sky has darkened to the deepest of sapphires. The stars emerge softly at first but their light grows until they are the only thing I can see overhead.

The moon is out to the south. A searing half circle of yellowed white hanging precariously amidst the vast expanse of velvet blue.

The warm heady air brings with it the fragrant scent of every blossom in the city’s parks and gardens. Intermingling in a sensual dance.

Cars whiz through the urban streets.

Aeroplanes clamor overhead.

Sirens wail in the night.

The torches in the square below are lit. They are the only thing that keeps the park visible; lessening the shadows between the trees.

The streets are ablaze with the city’s false illumination.

Avenues and boulevards are lined with white and orange streetlights spilling upwards into the night’s heavenly skies.

Neon signs on every corner scorch the eyes.

As time marches on the lights dim. The sounds deepen. The shadows get longer.

Until there is nothing but sleep.

I gaze down at the purple glow surrounding the conurbation and wish that I was anywhere but here.

I would give anything to be out on those city streets experiencing what the vast sprawl has to offer.

But nighttime can also be lonely. We can’t boogie down everyday. Sometime we just have to feel sad our day didn’t go so great and crawl into a cold bed.

I’m over thinking things again. What always makes me smile? The moon.

When I notice the moon is up. Doesn’t matter what time of day or night, summer or winter, realizing the moon is hanging brightly in the sky always makes me smile. It’s always a slightly different colour, shape, size, time. Yet it’s always comforting to see my glowing little friend shining down, lighting my way.

Moonrise. My favourite time of day must certainly be the ever-surprising moonrise.

harvest moon

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The things I ask myself: Drinks

There are questions that come up in regular old everyday conversation that make you think. And I’m not exactly talking about spiritual meaning of life stuff or anything. But just things I can’t decide on, I keep coming back to them. Sometime over and over again for years. Because I can be so indecisive these questions absolutely torture me.

Stuff like:

If  I was a drink what kind of drink would I be?

I always want to say the Dark and Stormy. But I just love the name. I don’t actually love the drink….. I like rum, but not dark rum. And I do not like ginger or beer….so. I guess I can’t be the Dark and Stormy. But then again this isn’t a question of my favorite drink – which actually isn’t debatable at all – the question here is what drink would I be?

Something unusual, something bitter, something high in alcohol, something that is only good in moderation, something mixed, and something a lot of people don’t like…..

I guess that would make me: a Long Island Iced Tea.

Okole Maluna!

long-island-iced-tea-illustatuion

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The things I ask myself: Mt. Rapmore

There are questions that come up in regular old everyday conversation that make you think. And I’m not exactly talking about spiritual meaning of life stuff or anything. But just things I can’t decide on, I keep coming back to them. Sometime over and over again for years. Because I can be so indecisive these questions absolutely torture me.

Stuff like:

Who would I put on Mount Rapmore?

Four great leaders of the rap world.

Sure, it starts out all easy. Obviously we’re starting with 2pac. And Biggie. And I don’t care if you don’t like them, or if you think they are overhyped because they died at the height of their fame or whatever. They are rad and they’re on the mountain.

And now is when things get tricky. There are only two spots left. TWO! And the pressure begins to mount. I always want to put Eminem on there – even though it makes you all roll your eyes. I love him, ok? And I’m not even going to waste my time defending how sick he is when he freestyles or anything. Eminem gets the third spot. Deal with it.

So one there is only one spot left and this fun has now turned impossible.

And you think it would help to ask people’s opinion. But it DOES NOT HELP AT ALL. Everyone always gets all bitchy and some dumbass always wants to put Shaquille O’neal or someone ridiculous on the mountain.

And don’t even try to get me started on replacing each president with a corresponding rapper. Who would be Lincoln? Washington? Roosevelt? Jefferson?

Where do we go from here?

Jay-z, Bizzy Bone, Snoop, Easy-E, Jam Master J, Nas, KRS-One, damn it! why can’t I morph a whole group into one face? I love the Beastie Boys, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Run-DMC, Wu-Tang, NWA….

…..and I give up. You win this round. Until next time, Mt. Rapmore.

mt_rapmore

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